10 Commandments of Being a Bro
One of the most sacred places in a young-bro’s life is his hometown gym. You’ve been gone since winter break and now have the opportunity to make a first impression. This is your time to shine! The cute girl at the front desk, you always ask for a towel because that’s the only thing you have the nuts to say. The super ripped Personal Trainer, the ‘Bro-seidon’ that everyone wants to look like…you even get a shot to impress the gym manager, hoping that you will get offered your summer dream job…Ah, the holy grail of weight lifting…nothing will ever compare to that hometown feel.
Unfortunately, everyone else from your high school is home now too. Rest assured, these slim-jims know everything about the gym. Didn’t you hear? Your boy’s roommate used to captain the weight room two-a-days…when he was a junior…in high school…three years ago…and he got cut…but it’s cool though, he has a massive bicep vein so he knows a thing or too about moving weight.
Is it move-in weekend yet?
Lift easy swoldiers, I’m here to make the transition back home an easy one. Remember these 10 commandments of the gym and you will be the new ‘Bro-seidon’ to all these stick figures.
- Thou shall never wear sleeves. Dress the part- you want the gym to be yours? Bring out the bouncers. You have accumulated plenty of free shirt in the past 8 months- time to put them to use. Key to a good cut off? More ribs less man-nipple. Keep it classy fella’s.
- Leave the phone in the locker room. Do yourself a favor and spend $40 on an ipod shuffle. It clips to your shirt and then you aren’t the lazy bag of shit sitting on the bench press texting between sets. Less texting = more benching = more friends. Everyone likes more friends, right?
- Never bring your own towel. This ensures you will always talk to the cutie at the desk. Eventually when your balls drop you’ll have some new found confidence to ask her when her shift is over. Hopefully you can take it from there.
- Do your curls last. When do you ask for the towel? At the end of your workout…after your curls…after you’ve pushed every blood cell in to the peak of your biceps…may the odds forever be in your favor…(yes that just happened)…
- Bring the right headphones. Listen…I like Beats by Dre just like the next bro…but I also don’t like to break expensive shit. Leave the Beats at home and just rock the iPod headphones…you just got a new pair with your shuffle, anyway.
- Drink something. The bro-garden is full of bright colors. Brighter the liquid the more curious the bro…they want to know what pre you’re itching from or what BCAA you’re sipping on, and trust me, they will ask. Time to flex your supp game!
- Never. Ever. Bring a magazine in to the gym with you. Talk about showing your hand. Listen, we all read Muscle & Fitness, hell, I ask for a subscription every year for my birthday (thanks, Mom)! As soon as you rip out the workout- you instantly are the dumbest bro in the gym. Write it out in to your ‘training log’ and now proceed.
- Bring your training log. Going from your schools gym to your hometown gym can be tough. Different machines, older equipment, less hunnies to motivate you…you need a constant. Keep a training log! This will ensure a smooth transition between gyms, and track your gains.
- Super-set responsibly. Nothing pisses me off more then when I wait out a piece of equipment only to have some slim-jim sprint over to tell me he’s in the middle of a super set. Don’t be this guy…keep your sets close to home and avoid running laps around the gym.
- Just a spot, bro. If someone asks for a spot, give the spot! But ONLY the spot. Don’t start yammering on about how your roommate told you the optimal shoulder angle in the bench press was 75 degrees and he can bench press 4 plates so he knows his shit. Remember this formula from point number 2? Less texting = more pressing = more friends. Don’t ruin it. Give the spot, shut up, and get back to work.
Keep it simple fella’s…you only get to make the first impression once. This will be your legacy for the entire summer. Do you want to be king of castle or the court jester?
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